Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope the last 2 weeks have been sufficiently uncomfortable for you all. I missed last week because I stayed in my costume for 5 days and when I woke up I didn’t know what year it was.
My awkward moment of the week came when I held a door open for a woman who was way farther away than I thought she was. And then I said, “you’re welcome” before she had said, “thank you.”
OKAY! I think a lot of my readers happen to be “young adults.” AH YES, A TIME WHERE YOU MAYBE FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR JIGGLY BITS DO!
So I thought, what better time than the present to write a guide to FIRST DATES. But, guys? First dates are heavy. So for the first time ever, An Awkward Girl’s Guide presents the first half of the FIRST EVER two parter!
Grab your weird body parts and get ready for something everyone at every age struggles with: FIRST DATES.
1. I am assuming you were asked.
Because if you were the ask-er and the answer was “yes,” you’re probably not awkward, or maybe you’re just a figment of all our imaginations.
SO YOU WERE ASKED ON A FIRST DATE! First of all: congratulations! You! A lowly basement/corner/black hole dweller were asked on a real live date. That’s HUGE! Unless they are a serial killer. QUICK! Take this super short & easy “Are You Dating A Serial Killer QUIZ”
#1: Do they like knives?
#2: Did you find a bottle of poison on them and did they say they were “holding it for a friend?”
#3: Do they hate puppies?
#4: Do they have a dark past? Including (but not limited to) killing several people?
If you answered mostly a’s: I’m sorry. You are about to go on a first date with a serial killer. I would say cancel or get cancelled from life.
If you answered mostly b’s: Congratulations! You’re probably not going on a first date with a serial killer. Probably.
If you answered mostly c’s: What is wrong with you? Do you know anything about them? Maybe don’t date this stranger??
If you haven’t been asked on a date yet, DO NOT FRET. It’s going to happen. You think it’s not going to and then WHAM! Someone accidentally hits you with his or her car and they are then legally obligated to go on a date with you.
(But seriously, you are all going to go on a date eventually and it is going to be painfully awkward and I am so sorry.)
2. GETTING DRESSED AND FEELING #BLESSED.
If you’re like me, you will need approximately 17 hours to get ready for a first date.
(** It should be noted that on my first date, I wore baggy jeans and a shirt that said “Who Let The Geckos Out?” I’m surprised he could control his boner**)
What you wear depends entirely on where your date destination is. The standards are usually dinner, bowling or a movie. Or maybe a combo of the two. I would suggest (as I typically do) to wear something comfortable with maximum expansion power. Your date at some point will ask if you want to try a bite of their food. It’s up to you to take the biggest bite possible to show them that you do NOT fuck around.
(Sorry for swearing, I am just v. passionate about food.)
You’ll want to spray yourself with perfume/cologne about 50 times.
10 x your face
10 x your pits
10 x your feet
20 x your crotch
Check your teeth/eye goop/and hair before leaving your house. AND YOUR BUTT, but that’s just for you! AWWWWW YEAAAAA
3. Your first encounter with them.
OH SWEET JESUS. YOU FORGOT YOU ACTUALLY HAD TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THEM. WHY DID YOU LOOK AT YOUR BUTT FOR SO LONG BEFORE LEAVING? ALL OF THE SWEAT IS LEAKING DOWN YOUR BUTT. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. IS THIS HELL?
Yeah. Because first dates are the worst. They are terrifying and awful. ALWAYS. That will never change for as long as you live. (HOORAY!)
How well do you know this person? Are you in the hug zone?
Do you want to make this corporate and extend your arm for a handshake?
Should you French kiss?
Maybe just stick your tongue out, close your eyes and see if they meet you in the middle. If you open your eyes and they are looking at you weird just say, “trying to catch a snowflake on my tongue! Haha!” and crab walk away. Even if it’s a beautiful, sunny day out.
A friend of mine (imaginary) told me to ALWAYS start a date with a joke to help loosen things up right away. Here are some ideas:
Why did the skeleton leave the party?
He had too many boners.
What do you call a fish with no scales?
Confident in his/her own body type, it doesn’t matter how much they weigh.
How does a shark author close a book?
That last one was really weak. I hope you have better material. If you used that, your date has probably walked away, gotten into their car and driven off of a cliff by now.
I stand by the other two though.
4. You can’t spell “DATE” without “E-A-T.”
Sometimes in life you will have to go to fancy places because someone forces you to go there. Going out to fancy dinners is dreadful. The music is always set to “elevator” and they place utensils in front of you like you’re actually going to use them.
It can be stressful and also I didn’t even know there were different sizes of forks until I watched the movie Titanic. (I also hadn’t seen another woman’s bo-jangles until that Kate Winslet scene.) If it helps, bring a VHS, DVD & Bluray copy of it with you to the restaurant. Make them play it on the TVs if they have them. If they ask to help you with your cutlery, politely decline and insist they play the movie so you can see how to properly eat like fancy people do.
Alternatively, just copy whatever your date is doing.
REMEMBER TO ALWAYS:
- Wear a bib. (DUH.)
- Put a napkin in your lap (so that you can pack the droppings up and get it in a to-go container at the end of the meal.)
- Make a toast to the “bride and groom”, say, “just kidding” and then say, “not yet anyway. Haha.” You don’t want them to think that you’re NOT interested.
- Say you have a condition where you can’t share your food if they ask to try a bite. (If they get weird about it, they are NOT worth your time.)
(she is laughing because she has made a terrible mistake)
5. Awkward Conversation.
If you can, stop talking about your cat for a couple seconds.
It’s important to ask THEM questions. Like, “do you have a cat?”
Always ask about their exes. You should probably know what you’re up against.
And then ask him or her if they want babies. Let’s cut the crap. You do or you don’t. We ride 2gether, we die 2gether. What even is this relationship? Are we bf/gf gf/gf bf/bf ? I want the answer, home slice.
NO. STAY FOCUSED.
GET WHAT YOU CAME FOR: THEIR HEART.
To be continued…