Hello again sweet princes and princesses of awkwarddom. I hope your week was filled with moments of uncomfortableness far beyond the eye can see.
My awkward moment of the week award goes to the time a man hit on me, so I pointed at myself and said, “OH, THIS OLD THING? HAHAHA,” and then walked into a wall.
WELCOME BACK to the exciting conclusion of An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: FIRST DATES! Hold onto your butts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
6. THE BILL HAS ARRIVED.
Ewwwww. I hate this part. Can’t I just pay in high fives?
AVOID PAYING AT ALL COSTS. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. It’s 2013. We’re a progressive people! You can be a dirtbag no matter what your gender!
GUYS. I’m not a complete monster. I promise. It’s not like I expect my date to pay every time… I simply choose to cry until the waiter gives us everything for free.
Other tricks you may want to try:
- At the same time, carefully set each other on fire. How could they make you pay when you have third degree burns?
- Blow the restaurant up.
- Scream, “I HAVE NO MONEY AND I HAVE NO ENGLISH,” and skip away.
- Tell the waiter your dog ate the bill. If he says he can reprint it, tell him your dog is dying and you can’t believe he is talking about money at a time like this.
7. Time to freshen up.
You are sweating like crazy from running away from the restaurant staff. Time to excuse yourself to the little girl/boy’s room.
This is a crucial part of the date. It is at this point that you can fix your hair/make up/weird boner. (Mostly, I just want to use the word “boner” in every guide if possible.)
It’s also the time to text EVERYONE THAT YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN to tell them that you are on a date. Especially all of the H8RS.
“Hey Jill. Hope ur having a gr8 night @ home. Remember when u gave me a wedgie in 7th grade? I’M ON A DATE (**not imaginary**) Bye h8r.”
“TOLD YOU SOMEONE WOULD LOVE ME! (see u @ home, mom.) xo”
It’s important not to take too much time in the bathroom. Take your mirror selfie for Instagram and GET OUTTA THERE. You don’t want your date to think you’re a murderer, or worse, you’re going number 2.
8. The part of the date where you have to decide to continue hanging out or not.
Is it going terribly? Do you have access to a jetpack? Fire that baby up, say, “in your dreams,” step out of a window and fly into the night.
Is it going well? THE NIGHT IS YOUNG! KEEP HANGING OUT! Suggest going for a drink, a coffee, or going to PARK somewhere… Just kidding. You and I both know you’re not ready for that. We’re all virgins here, right? Ha ha ha ha…. Right??
Whatever you choose to do, this is your chance to find out all of their deep, dark secrets.
-What are their dreams?
-Have they murdered anyone before?
-Are they the leader of an underground drug cartel?
-Do they think Liam from One Direction wears boxers or briefs?
-CATS: What’s the deal?
This also might be a good time to tell them you have planned a couples trip and will book the tickets just as soon as you get a job/life or overcome your fear or leaving small spaces.
9. They walk you to your door or vice versa. Either way – this is the scariest moment of your entire existence.
LIKE, WHAT EVEN ARE THEY THINKING? ARE THEY GOING TO KISS YOU? DO YOU HAVE FRESH BREATH? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY? WHAT IF THIS WAS A PRANK? AM I DEAD? ARE WE DEAD? AM I A GHOST?
Take a deep breath.
If you don’t have a bottle of tequila handy, hit your head really hard on a blunt object nearby. THAT way if they kiss you when you wake up from being unconscious, you will be dizzy and not really present for it.
If all of it is too much for you, politely tell your date that you have a no kissing on the first date rule, but you look forward to having a knife fight with your tongues in the future. Then maybe do a 5-minute stand up routine about dating.
“Ha Ha! It’s like… what’s with dates, right? Like… could they BE any more uncomfortable??” then lay down on your front step and tell them you’re going to bed now.
10. Once they have walked away.
Text them immediately.
“I had a great time. I’m typing this in my sleep. I’m not desperate or whatever. Lol.”
Then just wait for the second date invitation to roll in.
YOU DID IT! WE DID IT!
US, VIRGINS!! … We’re all virgins here, right?! RIGHT?!