An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: FIRST DATES (PART II)

Hello again sweet princes and princesses of awkwarddom. I hope your week was filled with moments of uncomfortableness far beyond the eye can see.

My awkward moment of the week award goes to the time a man hit on me, so I pointed at myself and said, “OH, THIS OLD THING? HAHAHA,” and then walked into a wall.

WELCOME BACK to the exciting conclusion of An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: FIRST DATES! Hold onto your butts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

6. THE BILL HAS ARRIVED.

Ewwwww. I hate this part. Can’t I just pay in high fives?

AVOID PAYING AT ALL COSTS. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. It’s 2013. We’re a progressive people! You can be a dirtbag no matter what your gender!

GUYS. I’m not a complete monster. I promise. It’s not like I expect my date to pay every time… I simply choose to cry until the waiter gives us everything for free.

Other tricks you may want to try:

  • At the same time, carefully set each other on fire. How could they make you pay when you have third degree burns? 
  • Blow the restaurant up.
  • Scream, “I HAVE NO MONEY AND I HAVE NO ENGLISH,” and skip away.
  • Tell the waiter your dog ate the bill. If he says he can reprint it, tell him your dog is dying and you can’t believe he is talking about money at a time like this.

7. Time to freshen up.

 

You are sweating like crazy from running away from the restaurant staff. Time to excuse yourself to the little girl/boy’s room.

This is a crucial part of the date. It is at this point that you can fix your hair/make up/weird boner. (Mostly, I just want to use the word “boner” in every guide if possible.)

It’s also the time to text EVERYONE THAT YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN to tell them that you are on a date. Especially all of the H8RS.

Example:

“Hey Jill. Hope ur having a gr8 night @ home. Remember when u gave me a wedgie in 7th grade? I’M ON A DATE (**not imaginary**) Bye h8r.”

or 

“TOLD YOU SOMEONE WOULD LOVE ME! (see u @ home, mom.) xo”

It’s important not to take too much time in the bathroom. Take your mirror selfie for Instagram and GET OUTTA THERE. You don’t want your date to think you’re a murderer, or worse, you’re going number 2.

8. The part of the date where you have to decide to continue hanging out or not.

 

Is it going terribly? Do you have access to a jetpack? Fire that baby up, say, “in your dreams,” step out of a window and fly into the night.

Is it going well? THE NIGHT IS YOUNG! KEEP HANGING OUT! Suggest going for a drink, a coffee, or going to PARK somewhere… Just kidding. You and I both know you’re not ready for that. We’re all virgins here, right? Ha ha ha ha…. Right??

ANSWER ME.

Whatever you choose to do, this is your chance to find out all of their deep, dark secrets.

-What are their dreams?

-Have they murdered anyone before?

-Are they the leader of an underground drug cartel?

-Do they think Liam from One Direction wears boxers or briefs?

-CATS: What’s the deal?

This also might be a good time to tell them you have planned a couples trip and will book the tickets just as soon as you get a job/life or overcome your fear or leaving small spaces. 

9. They walk you to your door or vice versa. Either way – this is the scariest moment of your entire existence.

 

LIKE, WHAT EVEN ARE THEY THINKING? ARE THEY GOING TO KISS YOU? DO YOU HAVE FRESH BREATH? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO STEAL YOUR MONEY? WHAT IF THIS WAS A PRANK? AM I DEAD? ARE WE DEAD? AM I A GHOST?

Take a deep breath.

If you don’t have a bottle of tequila handy, hit your head really hard on a blunt object nearby. THAT way if they kiss you when you wake up from being unconscious, you will be dizzy and not really present for it.

If all of it is too much for you, politely tell your date that you have a no kissing on the first date rule, but you look forward to having a knife fight with your tongues in the future. Then maybe do a 5-minute stand up routine about dating. 

“Ha Ha! It’s like… what’s with dates, right? Like… could they BE any more uncomfortable??” then lay down on your front step and tell them you’re going to bed now.

10. Once they have walked away.

 

Text them immediately.

“I had a great time. I’m typing this in my sleep. I’m not desperate or whatever. Lol.”

Then just wait for the second date invitation to roll in.

YOU DID IT! WE DID IT!

US, VIRGINS!! … We’re all virgins here, right?! RIGHT?!

ANSWER ME.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: FIRST DATES (PART I)

 

Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope the last 2 weeks have been sufficiently uncomfortable for you all. I missed last week because I stayed in my costume for 5 days and when I woke up I didn’t know what year it was.

My awkward moment of the week came when I held a door open for a woman who was way farther away than I thought she was. And then I said, “you’re welcome” before she had said, “thank you.”

***internal screaming***

OKAY! I think a lot of my readers happen to be “young adults.” AH YES, A TIME WHERE YOU MAYBE FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR JIGGLY BITS DO!

So I thought, what better time than the present to write a guide to FIRST DATES. But, guys? First dates are heavy. So for the first time ever, An Awkward Girl’s Guide presents the first half of the FIRST EVER two parter!

Grab your weird body parts and get ready for something everyone at every age struggles with: FIRST DATES.

1. I am assuming you were asked.

 

Because if you were the ask-er and the answer was “yes,” you’re probably not awkward, or maybe you’re just a figment of all our imaginations.

SO YOU WERE ASKED ON A FIRST DATE! First of all: congratulations! You! A lowly basement/corner/black hole dweller were asked on a real live date. That’s HUGE! Unless they are a serial killer. QUICK! Take this super short & easy “Are You Dating A Serial Killer QUIZ”

#1: Do they like knives?

a)   Yes!

b)   No!

c)    IDK?

#2: Did you find a bottle of poison on them and did they say they were “holding it for a friend?”

a)   Yes!

b)   No!

c)    IDK?

#3: Do they hate puppies?

a)   Yes!

b)   No!

c)    IDK?

#4: Do they have a dark past? Including (but not limited to) killing several people?

a)   Yes!

b)   No!

c)    IDK?

If you answered mostly a’s: I’m sorry. You are about to go on a first date with a serial killer. I would say cancel or get cancelled from life.

 If you answered mostly b’s: Congratulations! You’re probably not going on a first date with a serial killer. Probably.

 If you answered mostly c’s: What is wrong with you? Do you know anything about them? Maybe don’t date this stranger??

If you haven’t been asked on a date yet, DO NOT FRET. It’s going to happen. You think it’s not going to and then WHAM! Someone accidentally hits you with his or her car and they are then legally obligated to go on a date with you.

(But seriously, you are all going to go on a date eventually and it is going to be painfully awkward and I am so sorry.)

2. GETTING DRESSED AND FEELING #BLESSED.

 

If you’re like me, you will need approximately 17 hours to get ready for a first date.

(** It should be noted that on my first date, I wore baggy jeans and a shirt that said “Who Let The Geckos Out?” I’m surprised he could control his boner**)

What you wear depends entirely on where your date destination is. The standards are usually dinner, bowling or a movie. Or maybe a combo of the two. I would suggest (as I typically do) to wear something comfortable with maximum expansion power. Your date at some point will ask if you want to try a bite of their food. It’s up to you to take the biggest bite possible to show them that you do NOT fuck around.

(Sorry for swearing, I am just v. passionate about food.)

 You’ll want to spray yourself with perfume/cologne about 50 times.

10 x your face

10 x your pits

10 x your feet

20 x your crotch

Check your teeth/eye goop/and hair before leaving your house. AND YOUR BUTT, but that’s just for you! AWWWWW YEAAAAA

3. Your first encounter with them.

OH SWEET JESUS. YOU FORGOT YOU ACTUALLY HAD TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THEM. WHY DID YOU LOOK AT YOUR BUTT FOR SO LONG BEFORE LEAVING? ALL OF THE SWEAT IS LEAKING DOWN YOUR BUTT. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. IS THIS HELL? 

Yeah. Because first dates are the worst. They are terrifying and awful. ALWAYS. That will never change for as long as you live. (HOORAY!)

 

How well do you know this person? Are you in the hug zone?

Do you want to make this corporate and extend your arm for a handshake?

Should you French kiss?

Maybe just stick your tongue out, close your eyes and see if they meet you in the middle. If you open your eyes and they are looking at you weird just say, “trying to catch a snowflake on my tongue! Haha!” and crab walk away. Even if it’s a beautiful, sunny day out.

A friend of mine (imaginary) told me to ALWAYS start a date with a joke to help loosen things up right away. Here are some ideas:

Why did the skeleton leave the party?

He had too many boners.

What do you call a fish with no scales?

Confident in his/her own body type, it doesn’t matter how much they weigh.

How does a shark author close a book?

“FIN”

That last one was really weak. I hope you have better material. If you used that, your date has probably walked away, gotten into their car and driven off of a cliff by now.

I stand by the other two though.

4. You can’t spell “DATE” without “E-A-T.”

 

Sometimes in life you will have to go to fancy places because someone forces you to go there. Going out to fancy dinners is dreadful. The music is always set to “elevator” and they place utensils in front of you like you’re actually going to use them.

It can be stressful and also I didn’t even know there were different sizes of forks until I watched the movie Titanic. (I also hadn’t seen another woman’s bo-jangles until that Kate Winslet scene.) If it helps, bring a VHS, DVD & Bluray copy of it with you to the restaurant. Make them play it on the TVs if they have them. If they ask to help you with your cutlery, politely decline and insist they play the movie so you can see how to properly eat like fancy people do. 

Alternatively, just copy whatever your date is doing.

REMEMBER TO ALWAYS:

  • Wear a bib. (DUH.)
  • Put a napkin in your lap (so that you can pack the droppings up and get it in a to-go container at the end of the meal.)
  • Make a toast to the “bride and groom”, say, “just kidding” and then say, “not yet anyway. Haha.” You don’t want them to think that you’re NOT interested.
  • Say you have a condition where you can’t share your food if they ask to try a bite.  (If they get weird about it, they are NOT worth your time.)

 

(she is laughing because she has made a terrible mistake) 

5. Awkward Conversation.

If you can, stop talking about your cat for a couple seconds.

It’s important to ask THEM questions. Like, “do you have a cat?”

Always ask about their exes. You should probably know what you’re up against.

And then ask him or her if they want babies. Let’s cut the crap. You do or you don’t. We ride 2gether, we die 2gether. What even is this relationship? Are we bf/gf gf/gf bf/bf ? I want the answer, home slice.

 

Omg pizza.

NO. STAY FOCUSED.

GET WHAT YOU CAME FOR: THEIR HEART.

To be continued…

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: HALLOWEEN

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HALLOW again awkward men & awkward women. (***SHATTERS THE INTERNET FROM AMAZING PUN***)

I hope your week was may-jahly awks. My awks moment of the week goes to the time I put toilet paper in my arm pits to stop the sweat, and it fell out in front of a crowd. So now a bunch of strangers think that I stuff my bra. COOL LIFE, AMANDA! (That’s me, by the way… I’m Amanda… Uuuuuuhhhhhh)

MOVING ALONG.

My favourite holiday of the year (aside from the one that is in December) is Halloween. I legit think people that don’t enjoy Halloween are serial killers. CANDY + COSTUMES = GREATEST TIME YOU’LL EVER HAVE.

SO GET INTO IT/THIS/THAT. Put on your Darth Vader helmet and grab your sonic screwdriver, THIS is YOUR guide to HALLOWEEN.

1. Clear your schedule.

You are going to need A CLEAR week to prepare for this glorious evening. Call in sick to school/work/bassoon lessons. Saying you have a cold won’t cut it. Say you’ve lost an arm in a tractor accident and that it will take up to four days to heal.

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2. Find a costume that no one else will have.

This one is tricky. (OR IS IT TREATY? LOLOLOL… I’m so sorry…)

Finding a good costume is hard in today’s age, especially for a woman. Most costumes have holes where your boobs and ‘GINE should be. To be fair, being something “sexy” for Halloween IS the scariest thing I can think of.

But if you’re into going as something a little more risqué, go for unconventional risqué. Like maybe a sexy warthog or a piece of sexy street gum! Other sexy options:

-Sexy baby

-Sexy Cheese

-Sexy Danny Glover

-Sexy tapeworm

-Sexy Taxi

-Sexy your weird Aunt Tavy with the weird eye

-Sexy your first boner

ETC!

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3. Carving Pumpkins.

A lot of people choose to carve scary faces into their pumpkins, but I prefer to decorate my pumpkins with words that I fear. Things like “CLOWNS” and “CROWDS” and “MY OWN NAKED BODY.”

Also you may want to avoid carving the face of your crush into your pumpkin.

And then giving it to your crush.

And then creeping them out.

And then throwing a smoke bomb and running away.

And then tucking your pumpkin into bed beside you.

And then cradling it all night.

And then forgetting about it and screaming screams of pure terror when you wake up next to it in the morning.

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4. Decorating.

This goes hand in hand with #3. For added scary effect, collect all of the ACTUAL spider webs in your house and very gently set a bomb for detonation since you didn’t realize you were sharing your space with so many spiders.

5. The Hills are Alive with the sound of HORROR.

Choosing a Halloween play list can be super fun! If you live with someone, a fun prank to play is to make a three hour playlist of various screams.

Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” obviously has to be on the list, as well as Monster Mash and Ke$ha. “Why Ke$ha,” you ask? She is the embodiment of a teenage girl, and we all know that those are the most terrifying things in existence. Even teenage girls will back me up on that one.

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6. BOO-VIES. (HehehHAHaGHAHAhashijhSJAFHUEFH38H)

I’m what you would call a “horror movie buff.” And by “buff” I mean “wuss.” And by “wuss” I mean, if I watch a horror movie, I will not leave my house for a week.

NEVER watch horror movies alone. Get a partner, preferably your mommy, and be comforted knowing that you are not entering the world of sheer terror alone.

If you never want to sleep again, might I suggest Paranormal Activity or The Exorcist? Be sure to buy adult diapers in advance. Not for you, for your mom… yeah… your mom…

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7. Scare other people to get confidence.

There is no Halloween prank too small. The more you make someone look like a scared wittle baby, the better you will feel about yourself! Here is a great prank to try out this Thursday:

Step 1: Bathe in the blood of your enemies.

Step 2: Acquire a chainsaw.

Step 3: Hide behind a bush.

Step 4: Wait there for approximately 4 hours or until it is dark out.

Step 5: When an unassuming family walks toward your door, rev the chainsaw and scream at the top of your lungs, “I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU! I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO MURDER YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.”

They’ll love it.

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8.  Give a little, Get A LOT.

Handing out candy can be very fulfilling, especially when you eat most of the candy yourself. My rule is: hand out one piece of candy, get 3 back in return. It’s only fair.

Also, if you’re handing out candy this year, don’t be THAT guy. The guy that hands out toothbrushes or juice boxes. Everyone HATES that guy. Even if you are a dentist or work at a juice factory – get REAL.

The worst is when people hand out fruit, like apples. And apples that aren’t even dipped in sugary sweetness, just straight up, vitamin enriched apples. GTFO of here. As Damian from Mean Girls would say, “You don’t even GO here.”

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9. Go Trick or Treating. Even if you are over the age of 10.

WE CAN’T STOP.

WE WON’T STOP.

Always have a baby costume ready for this step. Some people might not want to give you candy because you seem “too old” to be trick or treating. Well my friends, A ) that is AGEIST. And B) here’s what you do.

YOU: Trick or Treat!

THEM: What? You’re too old to be trick or treating.

YOU: I’m a baby.

THEM: You’re DRESSED as a baby.

YOU: I have Benjamin Button syndrome.

THEM: What?

YOU: I am 3 years old.

THEM: I’m not giving you candy.

YOU: I’m getting younger by the second.

THEM: You should leave.

YOU: I’M ALMOST AN EGG AND A SPERM AGAIN!!

When they start to close the door, kick it back open and steal their candy.

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10. Eat so much candy you barf.

It’s the only way to have the happiest Halloween.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: MOVIE THEATRES.

Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope your week was filled with a crazy amount of awks tawks.

My awkward moment came in the form of accidentally making eye contact with a man in the feminine hygiene section of the grocery store and saying “YIKES” to him. #NIGHTMARES

There’s nothing I love more than going to movies. The sights, the scents, the CINEMA! That being said, the movie theatre is a minefield full of awkward. So without any further a-view (LOLOLOL), here is YOUR guide to MOVIE THEATRES!

1. ALWAYS GO ALONE.

Everyone is probably busy just like when you asked them to hang out last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday… But that’s COOL, because YOU’RE cool. You don’t need a friend! They’re just dead weight! Plus there are so many pros to going to a movie alone. LIKE:

  1. Better seating options.
  2. You’re less intimidating alone, so single babes will totally sit beside you.
  3. If there are no single babes, you can join a couple and make a “guess we’re a tricycle tonight” joke.

 

2. The Concession.

This is probably my number one reason for going to the movie theatre. GOD BLESS YOU, CONCESSION FOOD.

Remember when options used to be so limited? They had popcorn and Twizzlers and THAT WAS IT. Well, my friends, 2013 is NOT for basic bitches. Allow me to introduce you to PIZZA, NACHOS, SLURPEES AND ALL OF THE CANDY IMAGINABLE. I don’t know about you guys, but I have a raging food boner right now.

It’s important to not lose your cool and yell, “YO DID I STUTTER?” when the cashier asks, “are you sure?” when you order one of everything. Of course you want one of everything. You’re not a damn fool.

Kindly hand him/her the milk crate you brought from home and start loading your food and beverages into it.

3. DON’T FORGET NAPKINS!

Rookie mistake. The food is heavy and your movie stub is starting to form a new skin on your soft drink container. You’re going to need napkins for a few reasons, including (but not limited to): wiping the butter off your fingers, soaking up your tears (when you cry when your food runs out), and to write your number on when cool babes ask for your number.

4. Finding the perfect seat.

THE MIDDLE. IS. EVERYTHING.

I know our hearts typically fall for the look of a cold, dark corner, lonesome lions, but hear me out: being in the middle of the screen actually makes the movie look better. WHO KNEW?

Remember: location, location, location.

Finding the perfect seat will give you more bang for your buck. (I’m sorry for using the word “bang” and making you uncomfortable.)

Ideally, the theatre is empty. Or you’re sharing it with five other people. Unfortunately, if it is a newer movie, there is a good chance it will be packed with a bunch of hideous, mouth breathers.

Your options are as follows:

ARRIVE AT THE THEATRE 5 HOURS BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS.

Or

Wear a T-shirt that says, “My mom says my IBS is cool.”

No one will sit beside you.

That’s an Awkward Girl’s Guide guarantee.

 

5. The Previews.

By now you are 80% done your concession feast. People around you are like, “wow, he/she is so brave to take on their very own movie theatre food challenge.” But you’re not just a pretty stomach; you’re more than that. You’re a movie connoisseur. To prove that, try saying something like, “wow. That was powerful,” after every movie trailer. It shows that you know a lot about art and cinema and your own emotions. If you can, shed a single tear to show how serious you are about this; because another thing is – there might be a super famous director in the audience.

Might be? Sorry, I meant there DEFINITELY will be. Directors love movies. Duh.

6. Turn Your Cell Phone Off.

Few things make my blood boil more than seeing the blinding light of someone else’s cell phone during a movie. The warning before the movie is never enough, people will STILL use their cell phones.

If you’re like me, take the extra precautions to ensure that this does not happen during your special movie night.

Calmly stand up and shout, “I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL PEE ON ANYONE WHO USES THEIR PHONE DURING THE MOVIE. I’M SERIOUS, I HAVE IBS.” And then point to your shirt.

And then, I dunno, say something fierce like, “nobody puts baby in a corner.” It won’t make sense, but they’ll be like, “wow, he/she watches movies and I respect that.”

7. The movie starts.

Always applaud right away. It’s just respectful.

8. EMERGENCY: YOU HAVE TO PEE.

And miss the movie? I don’t think so. By now you have sucked back an XL coke, so you have a giant cup that you can use. Guys, this is obviously an easier trick to pull off. Girls, that’s what Twizzlers were invented for. Use your imagination.

 

9. THE MOVIE IS DONE. OH MY GOD. WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

You’re crying, the people beside you are getting up to leave, but you need them for moral support. Cling on to them. Lay down on the ground and clutch their leg if you need to. You deserve their support. They have been your friends for 2 and a half hours. You’ve been through so much. The least they can do is cradle you like a baby and tell you it’s gunna be fine.

10. Make immediate plans with your new friends/accidentally puke on them because you ate too much stuff that was probably made out of cardboard/ Give  famous director your business card/ ask them for a ride home.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: THE DOCTOR.

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Hello again awkward men and awkward women. I hope your weeks were sufficiently awksana. This week a man kissed my hand and I punched him in the face by accident. Chivalry isn’t dead, but he almost was.

It’s getting colder. The chill in the air gives you goosebumps (or “goose pimples” as some people call them – but that is gross. Please stop calling them that. I don’t think geese even get pimples.) SICK HAPPENS! And so do Doctor appointments, inevitably. So I guess now is a better time than any to discuss the frightening experience of going to a clinic, whether you have the common cold or a weird growth (that you accidentally told the object of your affection about.)

So stop using that butt thermometer as an old timey cigarette holder for one second and follow me on this journey. This is YOUR guide to: THE DOCTOR.

1. Calling for an appointment.

So you’re probably wondering: I’m calling to make the appointment, what could possibly go wrong here? And the answer to that, dear Dew Drop, is EVERYTHING. For instance, one time I went in for an STD test before I was ever sexually active. Yep! You read that correctly. (LONG STORY SLASH NOT REALLY – WE ALL HAVE ANXIETIES. MY EX BOYFRIEND’S ARE WORSE. LOLOLOLOL)

Anyway, this is how that phone conversation to my clinic went:

Me: Hello. I would like to get tested.

Receptionist: Okay, great! When was the last time you were sexually active?

M: Nope.

R: I’m sorry?

M: That’s not a thing.

R: I don’t understand.

M: I… haven’t… done that.

R:

M: So, Monday? Does that work?

SOLID CALL, GIRL. YOU BE YOU. (Is what I say to myself at least once a day to the mirror.)

Try to make your conversation as quick and to the point as possible.

EXAMPLE:

 *Ring Ring*

R: Hello Doctor Mark’s off-

You: I AM SICK, MAKE ME AN APPOINTMENT, PHYSICIAN WENCH.

R: Right away sir and/or mam!

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2. Dress for the sickness you want, not the sickness you have.

You will always get seen first if you look like you have something WAY worse than everyone else in the waiting room. That’s why, even when you have a common cold, use fake blood to make the process a swift one. This time of year is great because Halloween costumes are EVERYWHERE. Get creative! Add an axe/some sort of bludgeoning apparatus to your forehead.

Remember: theatrics are everything. Don’t be afraid to scream like a maniac to really drive home just how urgent you need to see the doctor.

Worst case scenario: you just pee everywhere so that they HAVE to see you first.

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3. Waiting for the doctor.

This is the part where the nurse leads you to a small room and tells you sit on crinkly paper. I think it’s supposed to be used to keep the table/bed/inspecting-station-thing sanitary, but it’s as fun as bubble wrap to play with. I like to roll around on it a bit, like a cat. Mark my territory and make myself comfortable.

This is going to be very hard: but TRY NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING. Especially the reproductive anatomy model. Seriously though: you expect me  to NOT touch a kangaroo-esque figurine? THE BABY COMES OUT OF THE PLASTIC STOMACH! It makes me feel like I am a doctor, and it is the closest any of us will come to making our parents proud.

Except the opposite of that, probably.

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4. When the doctor comes in.

He’ll probably see that you have marked your territory on the crinkly paper and that you have stolen the plastic baby from it’s fertility mother. If he’s a cool doctor, he will ignore it. MY doctor happens to wear cargo shorts and told me once that I have Beyonce lips. Yes, I AM bragging.

When he asks you how you’re doing, try to avoid saying stuff like:

“I’d be better if I could poop.”

Or

“Could be worse, I could have herpes! Unless I do. Oh God. Do I have herpes?”

Or

“I’m good, daddy.”

A fun prank to play on your doctor is taking the remaining blood you have (from tip #2) and put it in your mouth. When he asks how you’re doing, let the blood slowly seep out of your mouth. He’ll think it’s hilarious.

5. The Check Up.

Don’t freak out, but you might have to make human contact here. I know. It’s horrifying. I haven’t felt human contact since I accidentally brushed past a lady on the subway and started projectile vomiting.

Depending on what sickness you have, your doctor will likely look in your mouth, ears and eyes: The three KILL zones.  Contrary to what you might think, he is NOT looking for your weak spots so that he can strike when you’re least expecting it. Your doctor is not a ninja. I repeat: your doctor. Is not. A ninja. (I’m like, 65% sure.)

He’s going to ask you to say “aaaaawww” when he looks in your mouth. Don’t fall for it. I have a theory that Doctor’s get you to say that because they want to feel cute in that moment. WELL WE ALL DO, PAL. GET IN LINE.

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(I feel you, kid.)

6. The Check Up: PART II.

He might lift your shirt.

Yes, you read that correctly.

There is going to be a stethoscope and it is going to be cold and he’s going to use it to listen to your heart. If your heart could talk it would probably say, “PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME, I AM DYING, I WANT TO DO A JUMPING JACK OFF OF A 12-STORY BUILDING.”

He will ask you to take a deep breath in, but don’t worry. He is not going to submerge your head in a tank of cold water like you might think.

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7. Explain what YOU think it is that you have.

According to WebMD you have Malaria and Alopecia. So it’s probably that, right?

8. Cry.

You probably have Malaria and Alopecia.

9. You get your prescription.

Congratulations! You don’t have Malaria or Alopecia. High five the doctor and make him sign a confidentiality agreement saying he won’t tell anyone what your body looks like. He’ll try to tell you that it’s in his job description to not tell people, but just give him a knowing wink. You know what he’s like out of the office.

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10. Leaving.

Make sure you tell everyone in the office that you weren’t here for “something weird” and that you are “totally fine!” It will totally put them at ease, since they have been worrying about you ever since you ran in with fake needles in your eyes. Be sure to wish everyone good luck, ESPECIALLY the person that looks the most sick. WOOF. Wouldn’t want to have what they have. LOL.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: THE GYM.

Hello again awkward men & awkward women.

This morning a bug flew into my mouth as I was running, but people were around - so I held it in my mouth for a minute until I got past them to spit it out. REAL. STORY. DOT. ORG.

Satan, as we all know, invented exercise. Therefore everyone who ENJOYS physical activity is a Satan worshipper. (**NOTE: I am a “casual” fitness person, which basically means I jog for a bit and do some jumping jacks in case I ever overdose on nachos. It also means I’m “COOL” with Satan.)

So, let’s talk about surviving a place full of all of our nightmares. Wear your running shoes as silly mittens, awkward antelopes, because: THIS is YOUR guide to the gym.

1. Exercise outfits.

Spandex is something worn by super heroes and weekend moms, but I guess you can also wear it when you work out! If I could, I would wear a burlap sack 24/7 to hide my awkward body and to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. (LOL @ CONFIDENCE.) According to people who do yoga, however, the tighter the clothes the better! Squeeze your bouncy bits into some yoga gear and feel like a human corset.

Another option would be to wear a pair of sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the ass. I think they make you sweat more? I don’t know why else a pair of pants would say “Juicy” on the butt. That is LITERALLY the only logical reason I can think of.

2. Warming Up.

Stretching is super important. If you don’t know how to do it, might I suggest taping yourself to a wall and placing a cheeseburger on a nearby counter so that it is just out of your reach. You’ll feel your muscles start to work when you stretch your arms towards it.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: do NOT stare at the person stretching beside you. Even if they are very attractive. Actually, ESPECIALLY if they are very attractive. Also, maybe don’t say, “I like the way your body looks.” It sounds like you are contemplating fitting them into your trunk and they WILL leave the gym.

3. The Treadmill.

WHOEVER INVENTED THIS THING IS A MASOCHIST. SERIOUSLY. It’s a machine that makes you run because the floor beneath you will literally not let you stop. It is a torture device that should be featured in a SAW movie.

But SRSLY, you know how you’re supposed to picture everyone naked when you’re nervous about giving a speech? Well a good trick when you’re on the treadmill is to picture a murderer chasing you. Sure, you will scream and cry and frighten everyone in your immediate vicinity, but SO WHAT? Public domain, bitch! LET ME BE ME.

4. Weights.

Always try to life the heaviest ones first.  But make sure you put on temporary tattoos prior to doing so. Like a spider on your neck or something in Celtic font… like, “YA, I LIFT BRO.” It will immediately give you gym cred. If you’re worried about not being able to lift the 50lb weights, force yourself to by super gluing them to your hands.

The important part of this step at the gym is to look at yourself in the mirror as much as possible as you lift. Your work out will not count if you don’t look at yourself flexing at least every two minutes.  I guess you burn more calories by looking at what you’ve become.

5. Cycling.

Oh fun! A bike ride! NOT SO FAST, BIKE TYSON. Apparently there is a setting where you bike UPHILL. WHY? WHY IS THIS A FEATURE? When I have to walk up a hill, I pray to the landscape Gods that the earth will just suddenly cave in a bit, thus creating a flat path for me to travel. When I have to walk up a hill, I curse science for not making jetpacks accessible to everyone.

Another thing I’ve learned is that it’s not okay to bring a woven wicker basket to put on the front of your cycling machine (says Rhonda – the 38-year-old gym instructor at the YMCA. WELL, answer me THIS, Rhonda: How am I supposed to take a cute Instagram pic at the gym without my quaint basket?? YOU’RE A MONSTER, RHONDA.)

6. Stay hydrated.

Probably a good idea to invest in one of those beer helmets, but replace the beer with water. Or just keep the beer in there. You do you.

Water fountains are cool because you can check out some prime pieces of real estate, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Some medium rare steaks! Some ba-dunk-a-dunks! Some rear-view mirrors! Vertical fun domes! Tush Cushions! Rum-pum-pum bums!

(BUTTS.)

Which brings me to my next tip…

7. You see an attractive person.

Holy. Look at the way their muscles move. Who even is this majestic gym gazelle? And then your body starts sweating more now than when you were working out. Oh God. They are coming over to you. ACT CASUAL. Wait. Where are you? What is this machine for? How did you get there?

They point to the machine beside you. “Is this one taken?”

Don’t panic.

Except you do.  And now you’re just jumping up and down on the elliptical, instead of stepping a foot at a time.

“hahahHAHAHA I DON’T THINK SO!”

Oh God. Why did you shout it at them? Did you just wink? He probably thinks you’re a serial killer. Best solution is probably to just to glide away on invisible skates.

 

8. Cooling down.

That was awkward. Everyone knows it was awkward. You deserve a cool off – in the hottest place possible: the sauna!

WARNING: Sometimes people are just NAKED in here. And okay, we get it. Being naked is being in our natural state… even though I’m pretty sure I was born wearing a snowsuit. I just don’t understand how you’re SO comfortable. TEACH ME HOW TO BE THAT COMFORTABLE.

Instead I have premonitions that the floor will turn into a slip and slide and my jiggly junk will flail around for everyone to see.

DON’T STARE AT THE NAKED PEOPLE. WHATEVER YOU DO. DO. NOT. STARE. AT. THE NAKED PEOPLE. In fact, it’s probably best if you wear a bag over your head for the duration of your stay in the sauna…

You know what? You should probably just go. But not without proclaiming, “haha well, that’s it for me! I have an appointment!” before you leave so that everyone knows you’re COOL with nudity.

 

9. The showers.

Nope.

10. Leaving.

Quietly pack your things and sprint home. Never come back to this place again.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: WEDDINGS.

Hello again awkward men & awkward women. I hope your week has been sufficiently uncomfortable! My awkward moment of the week goes to the time I showed a crowd of people how the zipper on my jean shorts (JORTS) doesn’t stay up. And then I told them how I would lay in bed all night wishing I hadn’t showed them. 2Awkward2Live.

ANYWAY! Fall is finally here and so are a thousand billion beautiful fall weddings. Now I haven’t been invited to a wedding for a long time (probably for the best since high heels make me walk like a newly born baby giraffe) but that doesn’t mean I/you should not be prepared. So without any further “I-Do” (**just laughed by myself for two solid minutes at that one**) here is YOUR guide to weddings.

1. RSVP

Nice floral invitation, Lisa and Brandon. I would’ve went with something a little more Buffy The Vampire Slayer themed, but THAT’S JUST ME. (And my dream fiancé: Angel the vampire.)

It’s important to remember that you don’t actually have a significant other when responding to this RSVP. Apparently it’s annoying and a “waste of a meal” if you bring your Peter Dinklage shaped body pillow as a date. (Little heads up would’ve been nice, SARAH.) The bride and wedding planner usually appreciate prompt responses. So, if you can, drive the invitation to their doorstep an hour after you receive it in the mail. And then say you were just in the neighborhood even though you are from Canada and you are standing in Michigan.

 

2. Say yes to the dress/ Wear Chucks with your tux.

They say you should never wear white to a wedding, but I say PUSH THE ENVELOPE! In fact why don’t you make a suit/dress out of envelopes? That would be a cool outfit at a Project Runway wedding I bet.

I guess you should probably find something that expands a lot since free food basically grows on trees at weddings. I’m sure you could find something made out of sweat pant material online.

Always wear a corsage. It shows that you like to have fun in a very classy way.

3. Buying a gift.

A $300.00 toaster on your gift registry? How badly do you need this ugly dinnerware set? Bitch, please. I’m getting you a signed Doctor Who poster. YOU’RE WELCOME.

4. Tardiness.

Never show up to a wedding on time. I usually aim to show up just as the bride is going down the aisle. People will be like, “wow, I didn’t know they were in the wedding party?” You’ll feel like you’re part of something. Plus you’ll be in SO many pictures! And babe? Memories last a lifetime.

5. Dinner etiquette.

It is every. Man. For. Himself. Maybe they got the numbers wrong?? Maybe they ordered under in case people didn’t show up?? You never know! GRAB THE FOOD AND RUN. DON’T LOOK BACK.

EXCEPT THE WEDDING ISN’T OVER SO MAYBE COME BACK LIKE, AN HOUR LATER.

 

6. Speech! Speech! Speech!

People will tell you that you don’t have to say anything unless you’re in the wedding party. Well, you’ve already walked down the aisle with the bride and probably assisted in giving her away, so be prepared to give a speech! Starting a speech is the hardest part. Here are some ideas:

-“Webster’s dictionary defines “love” as…”

-“I knew _________ when we were just 5 seconds old”

-“__________ is my favourite Facebook friend”

-“Y’all ever notice how men and women are different?”

-Just play an Nsync song

-Manic laughter with no explanation. They’ll get it. ;)

7. Dancing.

Oh God. Thinking about dancing makes my spine do the wave. It’s all pointing and no leg movement and somehow there is always winking involved.

If someone asks you to dance, don’t fall for it: it’s a prank.

If you still decide to go for it, always curtsy or bow before you begin. That is what every elegant movie has taught us and why would real life be any different?

I’ve had a lot of success with snapping, clapping, mouthing the words of the song, doing literal interpretations of the lyrics and just jumping up and down on the spot. Try scaring someone in to doing the running man. It’ll be hilarious.

If you have to slow dance with someone, YOU or THEY WILL get a boner. It’s just science. So dance with your butt sticking out a little so that you don’t have to feel their weird teenage erection. Same goes for same-sex couples. Women get boners too, guys.

 

8. Getting drunk is imminent.

Alcohol is usually free and also an awkward person’s crutch. Janet said you couldn’t bring a date, so you’re drinking for two tonight! Just make sure to say “mazel tov” before each shot of tequila; it’s only polite.

9. The second speech.

This is the one that happens after you have had too much to drink. It usually comes right before you dedicate “I swear” by All 4 One to the happy couple. In this speech, there is significantly more crying and use of the words “I love you guys.” It will be the best speech of their entire life according to only you.

10. Wait for all of the e-mails inviting you to everyone else’s wedding.

Because you were the most fun, intriguing, mysterious, awkward moon gypsy at the wedding. You do you. Forever.

An Awkward Girl’s Guide To: PARTIES

Hello awkward men & awkward women. How are you? I just realized you can’t respond to this, unless you write back to me, in which case you would have read this already and – anyway HI!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I can give back to my people (“The Awkwards.”) I, like you, feel uncomfortable in social situations 99.9% of the time. My anxiety sky-rockets, my palms sweat to a point where it feels like I’ve washed them but not fully dried them, and unfortunate things fall out of my mouth like chewed up granola at 2 out of 3 public gatherings. Just last night I interrupted a conversation between a “normal” and a “semi-famous” and I said to the SF, “wow. You’re like, really handsome.” Thus HALTING the conversation & making everyone involved uncomfortable. Shwing. Nailed it. Dontcha wish your girlfriend was AWKS like me?

So here it is everyone. Put your hoods over your head and tighten the drawstrings: Here is YOUR guide to surviving a party as a legit awkward.

1. Entering the party.

This is how we do it! It’s Friday night! And I feel alr- NOPE. No. I do not feel alright, Montell Jordan. There are at least 50 people here and I thought this was a small gathering of friends. Oh cool, I wore a sweater. Is it hot in here? I feel like dwarves are pointing a thousand hair dryers at my crotch. Why am I sweating there? DON’T. PANIC.

SMILE. SMILE THROUGH IT. NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU INTERNALLY SCREAMING. Don’t smile too much though. You don’t want to look like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Cool your jets, murder face. Find a place to put your jacket. It’s usually in another room – which will be a cool hiding spot later if this gets out of control.

2. Making small talk.

An awkward person’s worst nightmare. I can’t talk about the weather with you because I am too busy wondering what it would feel like to get sucked into another dimension. Can we talk about that? Or how sometimes I like the feeling of my own leg hair? NO. WE CANNOT. BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD. I know that… now.

Just try, you awkward unicorn. Try hard to make the small talk the world was built to have. Write down notes. Here are some ideas:

-Television
-Award shows
-Sports? Is that a thing?
-Cats
-How cool it feels to sneeze
-Imminent death
-etc

3. The snack table.

Hot tip alert: apparently you’re not supposed to stand by this all night. Which is BULLCRAP. Listen, if I could stand beside a 10-layer chip dip all night, girlfriend, I would. But apparently you should mingle. And not behind a potted plant, playing candy crush. Instead, get a plate, stock up on EVERYTHING. Another thing is: WE MIGHT DIE AT THIS PARTY. You don’t know that that won’t happen. Every. Party. Is. A bomb shelter. Pack accordingly.

4. God help you if your crush is there.

I don’t know how to help you here. Smell their hair? Steal their jacket? Literally call 9-1-1 because they are too hot and your insides feel like they have combusted and now you’re sweating more and you wish you were never born? I feel like those could work.

5. Is there karaoke?

Hide under a table probably.

6. Tell a joke.

Knock Knock?

Who’s there?

IT’S THE COPS. EVERYBODY GET ON THE GROUND.

*pull out a gun*

I’M SERIOUS. GET. ON. THE GROUND. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

*fire a warning shot*

And then when everyone is on the ground and crying, just start laughing and everyone will probably lose it and start chanting your name.

7. Tell everyone about your studies in witch craft.

Like you WOULDN’T be interested in hearing about that. HA.

8. Hand out your business cards.

At this point, people are probably like, “Wow. Who is this really cool person? I need to keep in touch.” Always keep business cards on you – they will never NOT be needed. Under profession you could probably put something funny like “butt cop,” and then when they lose their mind laughing you can be like, “you’re under arrest.” That’ll pretty much assure you a call the next day. “Can I be your friend?” “When can we hang out?” etc etc.

9. You haven’t done any of these things and you’ve been standing alone at the snack table because you got scared.

Me too.

10. The exit.

If you brought a skateboard – awesome. There is no COOLER way to leave a party than to ollie outta that joint. If you didn’t, it’s not the BEST case scenario, but we can work with it. Now I can’t do a cartwheel – but if I could, you can bet I would shout out “BYE HATERS” and cartwheel out a window.

Or I would return to the coat room, stand for an uncomfortably long time in the darkness with my eyes closed, have someone walk in on me, startle me, say “What? No, I was just saying goodbye to the coats.” And leave in a hurry.

Hope this helps. See you guys at the party!